Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's only three things I wanna win at 1) Life 2) beer Pong 3) Video Games

   Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.

   I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

   Oh, you dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Cool. I'll have a number 1 and hold the lettuce please.

   "I enjoy long walks on the b!tch." - a flea's online dating profile.

   Boy: So, you like bad boys? Girl: Oh Yeah! Boy: Well, I'm not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.

   I'll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life, I'm going to "let cool in microwave for 1 minute".

   Man it has been too long since I last got laid. The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.

   If you are talking to me and I appear as if I'm attentively listening, I'm probably just silently correcting your grammar in my head.

   You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.

   Here is a dollar, go and call someone who gives a sh!t.

   Aside from Christmas, Easter is the best day to have Alzheimer's! You can hide your own eggs!

   my mom used to say "i dont want to hear a peep"...i just listened & that candy is very quiet

   Nothing ushers in the Spring planting season like the fresh smell cow crap emanating from the neighborhood....

   I don't think I could ever stab someone, I mean lets be honest I can barely get the straw in a Capri Sun

   It's completely impossible to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" without looking like a retard...

   Sometimes you just have to be straight up with people or they will expect you to bend over backwards.

   Just sold my hair to a wig shop

   x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 TRUST ME, You need this in life.

   The 2012 Alzheimer's Easter Egg Hunt has been cancelled....... The 2011 hunt is still going on....