Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Easter, the day Jesus slapped YOLO in the face

   Easter Sunday the day that Jesus rose from the dead, looked Satan in the eye's and said, "Game over!"

   One of the best holidays...comes tomorrow when candy is 50% off!

   ChrEasters people who only go to church on Christmas & Easter

   Ice cream never asks silly questions. Ice cream understands.

   I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.

   The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men.

   Women who complain are like yellow traffic lights. Nobody really pays attention to them.

   I don't feel bad about online shopping at work. It's the only place where I can spend money WHILE I make it.

   The only reason I never click on the shemale category is I really don't want to run the risk of discovering it turns me on.

   Mike Wallace dead at 93 - Guess his 60 minutes are up....

   Do you think when sexy blondes go on porn websites they get adverts popping up saying, "A fat and bald guy from Chicago wants to have sex with you"?

   What's the difference between Tango and Rohypnol? You know when you've been Tangoed.

   My Wife is so childish. She comes in the bathroom when I'm in the bath and sinks my boats.

   Ladies; Never die a virgin, apparently when you get to heaven they make you shag a suicide bomber.

   I was so drunk when I got in last night that I picked a fight with a mop, wiped the floor with the shaggy-haired b@stard.

   You know you've had a good wank when you have no idea where it landed.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G"

   Yes, us Atheist DO NOT believe in fairy tale characters from thousands of years ago. We let go of yesterday and live for today and tomorrow! We are not slaves to the past and its rules.

   I am Happy my kids are older now. But I do miss running around all night in the Pink Bunny Suit from the Christmas Story on Easter Eve.