Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've just had sex the Manchester City way....I stayed on top for ages and still came second.....

   The secret of enjoying a good wine is to open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

   You know how when a guy pees and at the end he shakes his thing to get the last drop out? Well, that's how much gas I got for $2.00.

   I see Snooki met her weight goal of 98 pounds. AWESOME! One stiff north wind and Canada can deal with her.

   Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.

   My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.

   Never apologize for your greatness but more importantly, never over-exaggerate or fabricate your own greatness.

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time.

   Procrastination ...... I'll make a joke about it later.

   "This is for the time you peed on me. And this is for waking up so early. And this is..." - me, eating my kids Easter candy while they sleep

   Love doesn't ask why, it ask "When and where?"

   Y.O.L.O You Obviously Love Oreos

   There are a lot of deadbeat dads out there trying to make up for lost time by "liking" their grown children's facebook updates.

   On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladin, how good was my hiding spot??

   Long skirts carry dust; short skirts carry away souls. ~ Old Proverb

   Y.O.L.O.???? Oh you've found out that you only live once? Please, tell me more about your other scientific discoveries.

   I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.

   It has been proven that girls with profile picture of them selves in the mirror are more likely to send nudes.

   When someone texts you 'k', just reply, "L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z"

   How to wash dishes: 1. Place dirty plates and silverware in the sink. 2. Wait.