Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to the words "dude", "bro", and "man", I haven't said my best friends name in 10 years.

   My dad said I would always go down in history. He was right. I also fingered a girl in geography.

   Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

   I used to be addicted to soap but don't worry, I'm clean now.

   I can;t afford the "Ring" doorbell so I use "honk" where friends pull up & honk their horn

   what does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the restroom? ....the pee is silent

   It has become crystal clear why he thinks Hun ter is the smartest person he knows.

   No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!

   Sometimes I open my mouth to speak and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse spill out.

   It's funny when a Athiest needs a prayer they will ask for one. But when a Christian asks for one, they will be the first to make fun.

   Bought the knockoff brand of Frosted Flakes. Their mascot is Carl the Cat. "They're purretty good!"

   Please donate to my gofundme to replace the laptop I threw across the room in anger after my last gofundme failed

   Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

   You never think it’ll happen to you and then boom, you get catfished by an empty box of donuts.

   When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

   You don't need to attend every argument you are invited to...

   Time for Joe to resign in disgrace.

   I enjoy walking in a convenience store and having the cashier ask if I got gas. “No…just a little indigestion!”

   I whipped off her bloomers 'n stiffened my thumb an' applied rotation on her sugar plum. - Frank Zappa

   Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.