Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm currently writing a folk song about bland pudding, it's called "That's Pudding it Mildly"

   I'm never eating a edible again. I watched an entire movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf.

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled down at different rates?

   Whenever I'm in a restaurant and the waitperson says they are short-staffed I tell them "Well then you need to hire taller staff."

   "How much do you spend on wine?" Me: about 30 minutes

   I'm so dumb, when the bartender said "drinks on the house," I got a ladder.

   If I was told when I was a kid that in the future, the press would glorify a drug addled jigaboo repeat offending felon who resisted arrest and would ignore 13 servicemen who died, I wouldn't have believed it. Yet here we are.

   Why is it that Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR?

   CDC ~ Center to deceive and control.

   Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

   I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

   I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.

   A termite walks into a bar and asks where's the bar tender?

   The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

   Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

   a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken I just ate in the parking lot.

   What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Corn Pop?

   I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

   Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

   My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.