Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rush-hour traffic is flowing smoothly, and there are no accidents on all major freeways. #DayWithoutWomen

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.

   The truth shall set you free. Unless you are in court. Then you should probably just shut up.

   You never forget your first love. No matter how hard you try.

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" -Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids.

   I just called BS but it went straight to voicemail.

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st, and that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage

   My girlfriend is training for 2020 Olympics where she'll be competing in the Conclusion Jump.

   Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid was your question!

   I've I heard people want to boycott Beauty and the Beast because there's a gay character in it. It's okay for a teenage girl to fall in love with a rabid, hairy dog, but you can't have a gay person in a movie?

   I'm going to say goodbye to some of you now. Let's see you reads my page. If you are my friend click like and copy and paste this to your fridge.

   Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'

   'We do not eat anything we find in the couch' is apparently something I have to say now.

   Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !

   That awkward moment when you see a commercial for "Designated Survivor" and wished it was reality.

   A guy just busted down my door and claimed to be a Bounty Hunter. I said, "You won't take me alive!" He looked at me as if I had two heads, then stole my paper towels.

   If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7

   Dont blame me for you crazy issues! If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

   Its funny that people are upset with a gay character in a Disney movie but are perfectly fine with beastuality