Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dance like your microwave isn't watching

   "But millions of people are going to end up losing their health insurance!" -What the critics said when Obamacare was being developed.

   Pandora's problem was that she didn't think outside the box.

   I had lunch today with a chess player. I asked him to pass the salt and it took him 20 minutes.

   There’s more than one way to skin a cat but the cat probably won’t like any one of them.

   When I was young I kept asking myself what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I know the answer: I want to be young.

   Working on being less of an azz than I was yesterday...baby steps.

   My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house, I said Spies. She laughed, I laughed ,the microwave laughed .

   They spy on you through your microwave because they know its the one place you cant put your tin foil.

   If you're one of the people wasting hours of your life throughout the day watching the live stream of that giraffe that refuses to have her baby, just stop. She'll most likely birth at like 3:30am while you're all asleep anyways. #ShesFakingIt #Shejustfat

   just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched?

   I've stopped brushing my teeth in preparation for St. Patty's Day

   OMG the internet is broken. I just searched for pictures of bare naked ladies and all I found was a bunch of pictures of old fat guys.

   I'm having an old person moment....How do I work the camera on my microwave?

   The microwave sent those nudes, not me.

   I just want to see how many stupid people there are. If you think microwaves are spying on Trump, vote down. If not, vote up.

   I just pressed the Popcorn setting for defrosting on my microwave and it said "wrong button".

   When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it's easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.

   I speak several languages besides English: British, Australian, Scottish and Welch.

   Ladies, you're the syrup atop my waffles, the sizzle on my bacon and the cream in my coffee. What I'm saying is ur killing me.