Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   distance can be so cruel when you love somebody

   If you don't know where you stand with people then walk away.

   Make sure you've got something of yourself left over for the ones that love you. 3 replies 65 retweets 121 likes

   When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

   Trump surely kept your whiney ass from being run down today. Youre welcome.

   Donald Trump is the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him.

   Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.

   Ivanka Trump, the latest to join the cast of the confusing reboot to The West Wing.

   When it comes to acronyms, I believe that DILLIGAF is right "up there" with NASA.

   Be careful if you are driving around DC this week. Lots of key GOPers are throwing their credibility out the window. That sort of thing could damage innocent passersby.

   CNN has confirmed the intercepted communication was a call to a brothel ordering a young lady willing to pee on an old man. The John was unnamed, but everyone could tell who it was.

   Trump, Conway and Spicer have now been joined in the "Shameless Joke with No Credibility" parade by Mr. Nunes. Is there room for four stooges?

   The President woke up this morning and said "I don't think we have been corrupt enough yet. There must be more lies we can tell. Get Devin on the phone."

   3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   Trump has taken Take Your Daughter to Work Day to the next level.

   Ivanka Trump's West Wing Duties: 1) Smile. 2) Stick chest out. 3) Hold Daddy's hand and make sure he remains calm. 4) Administer meds.

   My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.