Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says: Be quiet in the classroom, respect the fact that others sleep! My gosh, seriously!

   If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.

   Got my umbrella taken away at gunpoint.....damn Burlington mall

   I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee...so I pulled over and fertilized your crops.

   Just poked about 20 people in about 20 sec's flat... Whew... Blows on finger....

   I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

   Ya...I'm old school like that! On a desktop. Not a smart pad or a geek phone or one of those other really cool devices of technology that I wish I had.

   I'll stop drinking heavily when it no longer serves a purpose (when you get attractive)...

   Who spelled Licorice that way? It sounds like rice got some lice not delicious candy

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an damn App for that. It's called "respect".

   Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom

   Keep going on about how fat my Mamma is and you'll find yourself squished...

   ‎My teddy bears in the wash, may I cuddle with you tonight.

   After an intense workout of shakeweight and sit and be fit it's time to rest.

   Remember when text messaging was passing a note back and forth in class?

   I think if we get our husbands helper monkeys, they'll leave us alone...

   I am not saying the quality of adult entertainment has gone downhill around here but all the dancers here are wearing change belts!

   Zombie Zumba: Combining the two most popular Facebook topics into one!

   Good Morning! I've survived to live yet another day in this beautiful world.. Dont take candy from strangers and remember ,Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom !

   Face it. We're all just a tank of gas away from government cheese