Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I give my dogs human names so when people ask who I drank with last night I don't sound like so much of an alcoholic.

   Forget the wild animals, aliens, ghosts, snakes or spiders; the greatest danger to a human being is another human being.

   Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids!

   I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

   Guys can be friends for months and not know each others' real names.

   Me: I cleaned all the dishes Mom: aren’t you going to put them away too? Me: you have to upgrade from the trial version to the full version

   Wondering what it's like to have a kid? Take a goat to the store. That's like having a 5 yr old. Now get the goat drunk. That's a 2 yr old.

   Watching Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn at the superbowl made me wish I was blind.

   just finished taking care of my bills...its easy when they are paperless, just hit delete

   Men regret the girls they didn't sleep with while Women regret the guys they did.

   Jail: the government's way of sending you to your room

   What ever happened to Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll ? All we got left is AIDS, Crack and Techno !

   If you have to wake me up to ask to borrow something, the answer is hell no.

   Going clubbing. ok, it's just to Sam's Club, but I'm trying to make it more glam.

   Sometimes, you have to burn the bridge behind you to clearly see the road ahead.

   Ladies just cuz he locks his phone when he leaves the room doesn't mean hes cheatin...Now if he locks his phone...then takes the battery out...then moves the bookshelf which leads to an vault that he puts his phone in...Then ok maybe hes cheating

   For all of you Dads out there who went out for milk, and actually came back home -- HAPPY FATHER'S DAY......

   I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.

   When a girl says, "Whatever you want, I don't care," she means, "Pick something that I want or I will cut you."