Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I wish my teachers graded my papers drunk.

   Some people are meant to be loved from a safe distance.

   People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn't agree.

   After the VMAs people everywhere are saying that Miley Cyrus is the most talentless, disappointing girl in the music industry... I'm sorry, but please don't take that title away from Justin Bieber..

   Too bad Norman Rockwell isn't around today to paint scenes of people looking down at their smartphones.

   I wish people would understand I only sing when I'm drunk and that little shot of wine in church just doesn't cut it.

   FUN FACT: People who use the phrase "winner winner chicken dinner" got their education at the University of Pheonix

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day.

   "The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one, be one!"

   A funny thing about tolerant people? They're only tolerant when you agree with them.

   wondering why people think they are invisible when they pick their noses in the car?

   I noticed a lot of people looking at me today and laughing, so I kept checking my fly to see if it was open. That's all it could possibly be because these cut-off jean shorts are awesome.

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

   There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces.

   My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.

   PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What! I took an oath!

   Facebook going green? Because I'm seeing a lot of people reusing the quotes.

   Falling in love is like falling down when you drunk or high...u dont feel the pain until the magical effect is gone..