Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the jerk that has been stealing everyone's lunch from the company refridgerator, I sprinkled just the right amout of marijuana and cocaine on that sandwhich of mine you just ate, to fail that suprise drug test that is coming tomorrow! Karma Baby!!!

   I went to a library & asked for a book about small pen!ses. The library said "I'm not sure if it's in yet" "Yup, that's the one" I replied

   These debates are cool, but I think Romney and Obama should just skip the last debate and do an episode of "Wife Swap" instead...

   "I'm a woman, not a sex object" - said a woman to herself as she put on a push-up bra.

   I just yawned so loud now I'm pretty sure a whale somewhere is trying to answer.

   When a woman tells you 'you're cute', it means you're ugly and you just entered the friendzone.

   How can I trust you when you keep trying to run away every time I untie you.

   I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

   When I see an ugly obese woman pushing a cart full of kids in a store, I immediately think "Who keeps fuck!ng you?"

   Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.

   Being single is nice because I don't have to repeat my mumbled gibberish in a defensive tone.

   Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.

   Don't worry, ladies. Cellulite goes away when you bend over.

   I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!

   I'm black but not "both my parents are white" black.

   Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”

   Hey NFL, why all the domestic violence ads? We're not the ones beating up women, you are.

   If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.

   Ferguson is going to kick off their black Friday shopping events with the Darren Wilson verdict.

   AHHHH! A student driver! AHHHHH! In a Toyota! We're all gonna die!!!