Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What you read here may or may not be about you; but if you see yourself in it, then don't rage at the mirror

   I hate when I say something stupid in a conversation and then it gets stuck in my head for the next 20 years

   Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu

   Her: I don't get mad. I get even Me: sounds like you're still mad

   Planning a wedding with your fiancee is good practice for divorce

   Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.

   THE MOST CONFUSING DAY IN THE GHETTO IS FATHER'S DAY....

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to punch you in the face." Put it beside the "Like" button. Just a suggestion.

   If I have to pass a drug test to work my ass off, you should have to pass one to get welfare!!!

   Remember fellas, no matter how good she looks, if she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   Some slut I know posted her Facebook status as "I've just had my period." At first, I thought "Shut up, we don't need to know that. How disgusting." Then I realized it was quite funny as all the dudes she has slept with recently all "liked" it.

   The bigger the sunglasses, the crazier the chic.

   Hate America ? Everyone Hates america until your being ass raped by dictators

   While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

   Jamaican GPS' would be great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”

   the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   thinks it is wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

   For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming a bit too high.