Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

   Guys, I need ur advice .... How many hours should I allow my friend to mourn the loss of his phone before I ask him to give me his charger and earphones? 🌚#Serious

   Why does Ashton Kutcher always look like he's withholding valuable information?

   89% of all marriages is spent spooning your wife on the off chance she'll say "okay".

   *shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out

   Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying, 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch, 87% Musical Chairs.

   Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.

   'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'

   Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.

   You met her at church but she still could be Satan.

   Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries.

   How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?!

   At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.

   My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...

   Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

   Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.