Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

   I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.

   Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS

   I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

   Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.

   A bunch of helicopters should be called hellacopters.

   If you want to look at who controls you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.

   My brother in-law just called with some terrible news.. He tasted a bag of white powder he found in his son's backpack and his worst fears were realized... Gymnastic chalk.

   I think those status updates that's say copy and paste this status so I'll know who's reading my status are stupid. Copy and paste this status if you agree.

   I'm so old I went to a Natural History Museum and the guards thought I escaped.

   Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

   A slice of apple pie is $1.40 in Jamaica, and $2.60 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

   *Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.

   So, no baseball, hockey or basketball. What's next? No cornhole?

   We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color.

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   If you're not gaining weight during the pandemic you ain't high enough