Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life needs to give out Vodka now, enough lemons collected

   I was an Athlete in school. I Dreamt of running in the Olympics one day! Now, I dream of just getting my fat a$$ off the couch!!!

   XBox Kinect Sports is so life-like... I just got picked last!

   Here's a lesson that no matter how many times I learn it, I always forget: When a woman asks you for your opinion about something, she doesn't actually WANT your opinion; she just wants to hear her opinion said again with a deeper voice.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   Scientists finally discovered how an elephant trumpets. Maybe now they can get back to curing cancer…

   When asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is pretty pumped he can legally marry his cell mate.

   Happy "Hold my beer while I light this" Day!!!

   The Rockets should now Hire Stan Van Gundy just to see the look on Dwight Howard's face.

   It's pretty cool how vodka always has such 'great' ideas.

   ATTENTION ALL WHO WORK WITH THE PUBLIC--everyone is stuck in stupid mode today, a smack to the back of the head should trigger the reset button!

   Dating: I love your taste in music! Married: I got you headphones for your birthday.

   Just watched Miley Cyrus' VMA performance on YouTube... I'm on my way now to the health department to get tested for herpes.

   Joan Rivers doesnt look a day over $225,000

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.

   If I ever ask how your day is going, any response other than "fine" will be considered an act of aggression.

   What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama