Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

   What was the last thing to go throught Osama bin Laden's mind? An American Bullet!

   I should learn how to swim... I'm missing 3/4 of the world...

   I heard a strange fact today. Over 1 million dogs in the United States are named the primary benefactor of their owner's will. That's an awful name for a dog!

   Best pre-Rapture line of the month: "My Christian friend with the Porsche is wondering why I've been following him around all day."

   Walk into kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote you lost 30 minutes ago

   Drinking; for those times where the most economical choice is a vacation that's close to home

   I feel a disturbance in the Force. Something tells me that Dan Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins is about to do something stupid.

   It's only insulting when you don't have a sense of humor.

   A surprise party is a great way to show your woman how awesome you are at lying to her face

   When I say I will NEVER do something, rest assured I'll be doing it within 6 weeks.

   you know you're totally screwed when the guy who stole your identity begs you to take it back."

   shocked to hear that R.E.M. just broke up, No wait, I was shocked to hear that they were still together to be able to break up. 

   PSA: You may “love” your boyfriend, But we'd all appreciate it if you didn't post it on Facebook every thirty seconds, thanks.

   Sex would be more dramatic if men's underwear had little saloon doors in the front.

   How many of my friends out there update their status' on their Blackberrys?....well?....Hello....<crickets>

   My Facebook Wall: Drama free since I deleted my dramatic friends.

   step aside, I have a spork!

   trying to figure out how many Sham-Wows I'm gonna need to soak up all the water in my truck after leaving the window down for 2 days...

   The History Channel isn't what it used to be.