Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amazing to think that I was once a helpless little baby but now I'm a giant helpless man

   walmart should just start selling furnished trailer homes already. cha ching

   Why is it I can remember every word to the humpty dance but have no idea what I came into the kitchen to get?

   It is important to be thankful for little things in life. Like the fact that the world doesn't make a strange creaking noise when it rotates on its axis.

   The radio shouldve started playing thanksgiving music instead of christmas music but the only song I can think of is Adam Sandlers Thanksgiving Song.

   This infomercial says that with their product, I can chop potatoes "EVEN WITH A BLINDFOLD ON!!!" It's like they know EXACTLY what I need.

   If something cool happens and you don't share it on Facebook, did it actually happen?

   I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I've got just about enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.

   Some say imaginary friends are for crazy people. Please tell me about Facebook again.

   I'm one of those people that no one warned you about.

   Johnny Depp and his partner separated. They agreed to share custody of the kids, but are suing the hell out of each other over the scarves.

   Oh you got “Swag”? Don't forget to put that on your Burger King Application.

   If I was a homeless person, I would make a Coinstar costume and just sit outside of grocery stores.

   The biggest problem with stupid people is that they don't know they're stupid.

   Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

   My wife said I never do anything for her so I packed her bags and put them outside.

   My boss just gave me an award for Most Productive Employee for last month. I think our company is in BIG trouble.

   If you don't scream "AHH,, IT BURNS!!" when peeing in public,,, then you're no fun.

   If you wake up from a night of partying with no memory of the night before, Do 3 things; 1.) Count your money 2.) Get tested 3.) Stay the hell away from where you were drinking because you probably pissed someone off.

   2/3 of the motorists on the road do not deserve the privilege to drive, what they do deserve is to be taken out back and beaten with an old iron pipe.