Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why, hello there tequila and vodka....enjoy your stay, and as usual...please feel free to as many complementary brain cells you'd like.....i believe you and liver have met??

   u can find smart guys in every corner of the earth..unfortunately the earth is round..

   Judging by the lack of Fathers Day cards I received in the mail today, I'm guessing your m0m never told you.

   As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point up

   in America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary

   got his test results back this morning and is shocked to find that he's been diagnosed with OCD. He's called the doctors nine times to check if they're correct....

   This vacuum has amazing suction, but no respect for my safe word.

   The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things!!!

   You say my driving is out of control, I say my driving is well-planned and that particular moves require extreme skill and big balls.

   awkward moment: browsing Facebook friend suggestions and seeing people you used to be friends with who have unfriended you... Hey, you asked me!!!

   you ever notice that when the bad guy is shooting at Superman, he stands there and lets the bullets bounce of his chest but when they throw the gun, he ducks?

   I'm either one lucky ba$tard or completely infertile.

   The guy who invented the "backseat windows can only roll down halfway" feature really overlooked the fact that no one would want that feature.

   Her: ''Honey, you never listen to what I say!'' --- Him: ''Of course they will.''

   Likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you.

   Back in the day, pirates used to raid armed ships, fight off trained swordsman for their gold, and survive on deserted islands with no other means of support. Now they sit in a chair and download movies. How far they have fallen?

   The "Like" button is the new red AIDS ribbon. It allows people to feel like they're being supportive without having to actually do anything.

   I'm not a fan of Keebler cookies, or for that matter, anything else made by dirty elves in an unsanitary hollowed-out tree factory

   could care less where you leave it - as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.