Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   at the airport and not too upset about going through a full-body scan... what I am REALLY upset about is that this Enzyte stuff totally DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!

   Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it. To me, everything you listed is proof that I am very good at it.”

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.

   This day would have started better if one of you had brought me coffee in bed.

   The happiest sentence: "...but I love you". The saddest sentence: "I love you but..."

   Dear Week, You are not attractive and I am leaving you for Weekend... I'd say it wasn't you, and that it was me... But yeah, it was you...

   Why would you want a camera on the iPad? That's like taking pictures with a clipboard!

   I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.

   I see Woods is going after Couples now.

   I think, therefore I am overqualified.

   do you think the creator of Snuggie is laughing his *ss off because he convinced a nation of people that its cool to wear a robe backwards?

   Even if your life was a total waste of space, there's always hope that you'll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.

   I may be old a hell when Playstation 9 comes out around the year 2072, but I'll feel like a kid when I get my hands on it.

   doesnt understand the whole deal about secrets. If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place

   The one person that BP has not called on to fix the oil leak is MacGyver. he can do it with a stick of gum a Q-tip and some tin foil!!!

   if you can't say ridiculous things with a straight face, there's probably no room in management for you.

   the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.

   take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.