Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Still in bed, the kid asked me to come downstairs... said he wanted to show me something "totally awesome." If it's not a bacon tower, I'm gonna be pissed.

   Evidently that good Samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   if your lookin for Sympathy it is in the dictionary between S*it and Syphilis...

   probably going to Hell in at least 2 different religions

   Why hasn't BP used my solution yet to stop that oil leak? Simple AND brilliant...contact Tampax, have the worlds largest tampon made. Stick it in the hole....TADA, no more leak...AND the BP execs will be able to go horseback riding afterwards.

   A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

   just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else.

   can officially call myself a man today, made cupcakes on my own without the help of mother!

   I support precisely enough global warming to flood Jersey Shore.

   Dance like the photo's not being tagged, Love like you've never been unfriended, Status Update like nobody's following.

   thinks Facebook needs to add "imaginary" and "in denial" to the choices for relationship status...smh

   He sees me when I'm eating, He knows that I'm too fat, he sees the indentation on the chair where I just sat ...

   too many people buy stuff they don't want, with money they don't have, to impress people they don't like

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to talk and walk,then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   My New Year's Resolution is to finish what I star........

   The sole purpose of a child's middle name is to know when they're in big trouble.

   Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you, but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head

   Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.

   Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.