Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I said to my GF "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!

   I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the Old West architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   If the universe didn't want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn't have four slots on my toaster...

   I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

   ..... So the first picture of Ben Affleck as Batman was released today!!! Question: When is Hollywood going to realize that they are never going to be able to replace the greatest Batman of all time ..... Adam West?

   The new “Godzilla” movie opened worldwide yesterday. They say New York City could survive a Godzilla attack. Seriously? It takes five cops to handle Alec Baldwin when he's riding his bike the wrong way

   Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   The Big Mac doesn’t look anything like the ones in the ads… Same goes with people and Facebook profile pics.

   The Like button. Also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything

   If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you're doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.

   Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina?

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....

   Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying...

   Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way.

   "Doctor, I been having some trouble with my Hearing".....Can you describe the symptoms?....."Sure.. Marge has blue hair, and Homer is fat!"

   wondering why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara?

   the difference in Tiger Woods and Santa is Santa stops at 3 hos.

   My ex once told me we need to speak the same language... so I ordered Rosetta Stone crazy edition so I could learn to communicate in her native tongue!

   how do you spell procrastination? F-A-C-E-B-O-O-K...

   I remember when vampires were scary, and not some twink with six-pack abs.