Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I will start carrying “like” stickers and put them on people's forehead when they say something funny.

   If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit "end" on a call, I would have no friends.

   hors d'oevures now there is a word that snooty people like to use regularly, most of us just say "snacks" and we survive the holidays just fine.

   Reason #258 I hate people... Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $29,166 per hour. That's right, she's making more than a lot of Americans are per second. Just for being some kind of high class pass around slut for rappers! Come and get it Kanye...

   People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow

   Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce.

   I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.

   Just moved the dog's bed to vacuum underneath and found a stack of pics of people's legs.

   Just met one of those people that start laughing at things you said 10 minutes ago....because they just "got it"

   I love finding money in my pockets after a night of drinking. It's like a gift to sober me…from drunk me.

   Officer : How High are you ? Drunk : No officer it's Hi, How are you ?!

   People who bring their own bags to the grocery store always look like they're waiting for applause.

   I'm in my 30's, but I still feel like I'm in my 20's until I hang out with people in their 20's and I'm like, "nope, I'm in my 30's"

   Why do people add me on Facebook and never say anything? ... Just hanging around watching like a rapist in a van

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people “Happy Birthday,” ever.

   The fact that Sesame Street had to gently remind people, although Bert & Ernie possess many human characteristics, they remain puppets, & do not have a sexual orientation, just reaffirms my long held belief that most people are complete f*cking idiots.

   I avoid making friends by being honest with people

   Hey mylife, I can promise you, 28 people are NOT searching for me! Quit lying!

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?

   People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.