Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   So you wonder why I never seem to get any sleep. Well I never go to bed angry. I stay up and plot my revenge. So ask yourself something, do I hate alot of people or is one person really going to get it. Now your wondering if its you.

   Honestly can people quit falling for these Facebook scams and virus's all this 'view her commit suicide' or links to other random crap like 'view whos seen ur profile' - just dont click on it! Their all bugs so avoid at all costs! Dont let curiosity kill

   Sometimes those people you think are acting dumb are in fact not acting at all.

   Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   Okay people, if you are driving a small car, and are not towing a trailer or driving a semi; you have no business coming into the left lane to negotiate a right turn

   I've realized that when taking care of really drunk friends, I have to treat them like they're 5-year-olds. "Mmm this water is so delicious! You want to try some?" And the funny thing is, it works. "Yeah, give me some of that sh*t!"

   By now, Colonel Sanders has killed more people prematurely than if he were an actual military officer.

   When a man speaks, people listen, then look. When a woman speaks, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   Happy Get Drunk to Make Your Inlaws Less Annoying Day Eve!

   ‎"I don't mean to brag" is something people say right before they brag.

   Constipated People Don't Give A crap

   My dog and I have the best conversations when I'm drunk.

   Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"

   I think it's safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   It is amazing how many people have such bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, Facebook would be much more peaceful.

   wonders how different the world would be if bad and stupid people came with warning labels