Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SELLING MY CAR FOR GAS MONEY .... INQUIRE WITHIN

   I'm going to McDonald's for breakfast and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.

   What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who's relaxing I could just kick back with and take a load off with when I'm feeling a little weary, Someone who comforting and oh wait, I think I'm describing my lazy boy recliner.

   generate ststus for my graphic design service on instagram

   waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

   My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till I turn 90 to get my first one

   Stock trading secret: Pick a stock that you know is going to go up and buy a lot of it. Then watch the price go up every day until it gets as high as it's going to get. Then sell it all before it goes back down.

   "Be yourself"? Don't tell me what to do! I'm gonna be someone else! Because that's who I am! Wait... What?

   It's so cold out that you can milk a cow and get instant ice cream.

   Like what about tall apartment buildings? Does Santa ride the elevator to each floor? How does he carry all the presents in one bag and how does he get into the apartments? I can't wrap my mind around it.

   Drama Drama.

   At the grocery store, I saw a piece of paper lying on the floor with the following written on it: Pasta-Tomatoes-Mozzarella-Ricotta-Red Lipstick and Lube. Which means my soul mate is out there somewhere.

   It’s bizarre how the party of 'inclusiveness' rejects 'Trumpers', straight people, or anyone who dares to think differently, and instead favors fetus killing and not deporting illegals.

   Jesus: "Why couldn't my Dad wait until they invented velcro?"

   Santa said I've been so good this year that he put me at the top of his nice list.

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   Snow is merely rain, rain that doesn't go away. It hangs around for days and days.

   Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   The Inauguration attendees look they just got back from a Sunday morning Presbyterian Church service.

   I'm not as mean as I could be. And I want people to be more grateful for that.