Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judo is what you use to make bagels. 🥯

   The obesity problem is so bad in the U.S. that the 2 out of 3 people surveyed count as 4 out of 5!

   Before Walmart existing you would have to buy a ticket to see a bearded lady

   It's wild that Santa can go into people's homes and eat their cookies. But when I do it, I have "issues" and need "help".

   Sometimes you have to sit back and play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

   He won Kentucky by 26 points then immediately disabled their tornado warning systems, leading to 18 deaths. Hahahahaha. As someone who doesn't live there, in that country I mean, I find news like this very, very entertaining and funny 😂

   Missus Beasley gaema hat!

   Work very Hard so that your kids won't have to Type Amen on social media for Blessings!!

   I just witnessed a state highway patrolman pull someone over for staying in the left lane on 23. That was satisfying as hell. Left lane is for active passing in case you didn’t know.

   The Joker is safely behind bars. The batmobile's wheels are operational. Robin is a human male, incapable of laying an egg. And I bathe every day!

   My wife accused me of being a transvestite so I packed her stuff and left

   My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.

   Some of the buildings in town don't have a 13th floor, because everybody thinks that the 13th floor is bad mojo. If you live in a building like that on the '14th' floor, I'm here to point out the elephant in the room, which is that you can call it whateve

   Losing weight is a great idea except for two things. The eat right and exercise part.

   I was told this is where you order Door Dash.....SMH.....

   What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you? Bi-yourself.

   The ocean is technically soup and now my brain hurts.

   Foot fetish screw them feet!!!

   I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.