Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear all I do is work, come home, blink, and then I'm back at work again.

   Diego Rincon is now morongon.

   Wife: Honey, does this make me look fat? Me: If you ran at the gym just like you run your mouth at home, you wouldn't have to ask that question.

   It's been said that if you have to explain a joke, then it isn't one. But if you're explaining a joke to an idiot, then it's still a joke that the idiot didn't get.

   Can't wait for the next in the occasional series of idiocy from the pearl clutching asshole who can't get over his candidate losing the election.

   See? Anything you can do, we can do better.

   Good thing I don't work at a pizzeria. I'd be walkin' around wit' garlic knots in my pocket.

   I could blow up a balloon by myself (Haw! Haw!)

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Marriage tip: If your wife just won't stop talking, just remind her that it is her job to be seen and NOT heard. After all, as the husband, your opinion is the only one that matters anyways.

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds! Just take a look at me now!!

   Men on men, adult on child... why are you so fixated?

   How has SecDef Hegseth not briefed POTUS on the missing U.S. soldiers in Lithuania? This has been in the public domain for 8+ hours. Your dumb*ss country is so f*cked LOLZZZZ

   Roast beef curtains

   3 horrible facts: Today is not Friday Tomorrow is not Friday The day after is not Friday

   I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

   Last night my car broke down outside a pizza place. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

   Christmas > Easter. Christmas = Lasagna. Easter = Hard Boiled Eggs. I hope this helps to clear things up.

   What's happened to the raving le*ticle poster today? I'm beginning to worry that something's happened to him.

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