Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. How special does that personalized horoscope feel now?

   Marriage tip: If your wife buys tons of beauty supplies like mine does, just ask her "when they are going to start working". You want to make sure you get the proper bang for your buck.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   The USA holds the cards, Canucksters.

   Yoda: You're going to need more than just a glass of water to wash away all your ignorance. In fact, you're going to need a whole ocean to wash away the crap you're so full of.

   Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands. Follow me for more money saving tips. 😎

   In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

   I don’t understand plant-based burgers. It’s like vegetarians are saying “this tastes like a cow because cows are delicious”

   Octopuses are just wet spiders

   Anyone know how long you could store an unopened loafs of fruit cakes for? Just planning on next year‘s Christmas gifts.

   The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "amigo". Am I in a gang now?

   I really think it's time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

   Alcohol - The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance "medicine"

   I burned 1000 calories avoiding someone I know at Walmar

   You could have done so much better than him.” Me: Mom, hello I'm right here..

   I WONDER HOW MANY VAMPIRES HAVE BEEN RUN OVER BY PEOPLE WHO BACKUP JUST USING THEIR MIRRORS.

   I'll gladly insult you to your face. Post your address pu$$y. (Watch... he won't. )

   My name is Gary Koenig and I'm the king of lame comedy!!!

   what do you call a group of humans? an infestation

   The proprietor of this channel has a bad case of ligginma. Ligginma nuts.