Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so because thats the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.

   The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them

   The show "19 Kids and Counting" could easily be renamed "People Hoarders".

   It saddens me to think about all the deserving people who will go without a b!tch slap today.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. And thats where I come in.

   Some people are so dumb that I automatically assume their parents are siblings.

   A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.

   Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?

   Sometimes, when two people love each other very much, they get married and ruin everything.

   Hates when people come inside her work when its nice out and says "It's so nice out too nice to be inside!" Thanks I couldn't tell it was too nice to be working, guess that big yellow thing in sky isn't a lemon!!!!!

   Where did Macaulay Culkin get the cardboard people for the party in Home Alone? Don't tell me you haven't also wondered this from time to time.

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   I like to wear a stethascope around my neck so that when there is a medical emergency people learn a valuable lesson about false assumptions.

   Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I'm finally ready to start harassing people.

   There are two types of people in this world and it is easily determined by what they do when an ice cube falls on the floor.

   I love the Internet. Back in the old days, we had no idea how many ignorant people there are out there. Now, we've got a datapoint.

   It's funny how some people think they can fool me when I ignore their calls and they call me with a private number 5 minutes later. You really think I am that stupid? I know it's YOU.

   You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them.

   I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

   You don't know true competition until you're one of the last two people in musical chairs.