Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So when do we start the old people offerings to the Dow — I believe he's the brother of Zeus and Poseidon — God of the Economy & Bailout Bonuses?

   Kat Schwartz is an excellent name for a British hooker. If you agree please vote at five one eight nine five one four six zero two. Snap me.

   if a person keeps on thinkin of deletin his/her fb account ,, cn it be concidered as suicidal tendency

   By useing earbuds it gave me alot of practice to un-tangling a string of Christmas lights

   @nbcagt: "I once got trapped on an escalator when the power went out and I was scared for my life!"

   This morning I had call 911 on the truck with the flashing lights in behind me that passed me....turns out it wasnt a cop on the phone, its was the dispatcher.

   Beer tastes better when you have to work the next day, it’s science

   The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

   I’m not so much 50 as I am 5 10-year-olds held together by ibuprofen, Ben-Gay, and weed resin.

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say, “You hit like a sissy.”

   So 10-year olds in Florida can't say "gay," but 10-year olds in Tennessee can say "I do"?

   I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

   If your neighbor happens to have a Trump/Vance sign in their yard, be a good neighbor and make sure you check on them! Sometimes its too late to notice mental health illnesses until it's too late!

   I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. Then he met a man who had no legs. Then he met a man who had no brain. And that ended right there with Joe Biden.

   Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

   just saw a guy wipe ketchup off his girlfriend's moustache in McDonald's. And they say romance is dead.

   No matter how old I am, when I am eating a bag of Bugles, I will never be mature enough to not put them on my fingertips and make claws.

   "The president's economic reset over the next 3-6 months might be a little rocky...." A little? BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

   I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

   my neighbor says that his son called him and said he thought his roommate was gay.... he asked his son why he thought that... son says, well dad everytime I kiss him, he giggles