Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I've even said anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I'm an a$$hole. It probably isn't.

   You post constant status updates about what TV show you're watching and what you're eating for dinner. You're not allowed to whine when people get excited for football once a week.

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.

   The only reason why people hold onto memories is because memories are the only things that don't change when everyone else does.

   I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands

   What's with people who come on Facebook to announce that they are in a bad mood and they want to be left alone, so no one should text or call them? No one was ever going text/call your cranky a$$ anyways.

   People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

   The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

   The amount of people I have to say good morning to on a daily basis really pisses me off

   Facebook buys Instagram for $1B! A website that makes people better looking. They probably could have bought Smirnoff for half of that.

   It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!

   Congress just passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another....In other words, my trip out of town for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.

   People Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Ins tagram

   Only people with sh!tty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?