Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   First drink & people speak their mind, 2nd drink people speak their heart. 3rd drink & people speak from their ass

   If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."

   Homeless people have been known to step outside the box.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.

   And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.

   I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!

   There are two types of people I hate in this world: Nosey people AND people who won't tell me what the hell is going on in their lives.

   <~~When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home..I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row just to mess with people as they walk in ;)

   Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.

   The more “normal” you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   Some people's morning breath is an effective form of birth control.

   I wish I loved anything as much as people in yogurt commercials love eating yogurt.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   " I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!

   I'm thankful for the people who have the make of their car across their windshield, I've always wondered who made your '97 Civic

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.