Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Went from fallin' in love to drunk and fallin' apart

   all of mankind can be divided in two groups: morning people and those who want to kill morning people...guess for which one I'm cleaning and loading my gun!

   life is just one big mess.....OCD people hate messes....therefore OCD people hate life

   I wonder if the people that voted for Obama are the same people that voted for Sanjaya on American Idol?

   You know those couples where the wife is 40 something and looks like 20 something, and the husband makes over 100k and the teenagers are respectful and good looking and they go out to eat together on Friday nights as a family? I HATE those people!

   why do some people all of a sudden need to carry a gun everywhere they go? I’m 40 years old and can’t think of a single time I went to church, dinner or shopping and needed a gun.

   Smoke your dirty weed nobody cares just stop trying to justify it to people who don't smoke

   Colin Kaepernick says America is not great and people tell him to leave. Donald Trump says America is not great and may become president. White privilege.

   Had I known how difficult it was to get old people's smell out of a mattress, I never would've gone cougar hunting at the retirement home.

   I wrote a book called "How to Pick up Girls." Page 1 says: "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of people shrugging. (

   I wish some people's clothes were made of Touch Screen Material !! :0)

   the moment when your channel surfing and power rangers pop up and you think to yourself wow I used to watch a group of teenagers in tights beat up people in monster outfits

   Everyone says I'm short as if it isn't obvious enough, but that just means I'm a smaller, more awesome version of all the normal sized people

   why do some people insist on writing out their check even when the cashier says its electronic withdrawal and they'll get their check back instantly, and theres a long line... waiting??

   The way you dress is the way people will address you. If you dress like a bum, you gonna be addresses as a bum. If you dress like a slut, you gonna be addressed as a slut. If you dress like a loser…

   A snail goes into a car dealership​ and says, "I wanna buy a little car. And I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of it." Salesman says, "OK, but why?" Snail says, "So when I pass by people will say LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S-CAR GO!"

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   ;•į <~~ one eye drunk texting face!

   To my wonderful niece; when you tell people I am the "funny uncle" could you please make sure you mention that you mean "ha ha" funny and not "(⊙_⊙)" funny...people are starting to give me the stink eye. :-/

   Sometimes, people get caught up in their own self pity/misery that they fail to see what they are doing to the people around who love them