Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   If the plan was to hire a press secretary so incompetent that it distracts people from the Administration's incompetence, then today was a very successful press conference indeed.

   Fake people wish you the best... as long as it benefits them. I call em' PENNIES... twofaced and worthless

   I hate people who make me nervous! Oh but I love making people nervous!

   Don't take this the wrong way, but putting your number on FB, asking people to 'invite' you on WhatsApp, has got to be on some world record level of DESPERATE

   The biggest problem we are facing today is caused by people who were born on third base, then act like they hit a home run when they cross home plate. Only those who hit the pitch can celebrate a home run!

   People in relationships are usually can cuddle but lonely people are like fml it's cold.

   3/4 length trousers... For people who look a twonk in shorts, but have a tattoo they want you to see.

   Do ugly people know they don’t really have to use their real photos as their profile pics?

   People in jail cells shouldn't worry about having a facebook , because they're talking to walls as much as we are!

   got so drunk last night that he apprantly had sent a text to his friend saying "dude, partys great, but were runnin out of alcohol, so email me a pack of captain morgans, then head over."

   You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

   Why don’t blind people like to skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog. How do they know when they are getting close to the ground? The leash goes slack.

   Call Bruce Willis..I see red people...

   Public Restrooms attract the weirdest people. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   I want to invent a product like prayer, an idea I sell people where no matter how much it fails and proves itself useless, they still think it's great and continue to use it!

   Famous people are droppin like flies..I mean..We had...Michael Jackson..Amy Whinehouse..Steve Jobs.. Whose next.. Lindsay Lohan?!

   So many people wanting to cuddle because its cold now. Does nobody else cuddle year around?

   SOME PEOPLE WILL THINK THIS STATUS HAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, INFORMATIONAL, OR EVEN USEFUL... JUST BECAUSE I USED CAPITAL LETTERS!

   Remember when people use to say "duh, you owe me one"........What heck was the "one" you owe?

   handing out "damns" because so many people say I give them.