Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Today, I went to Walmart to get the latest Grand Theft Auto. The salesgirl didn't know what it was, so I tried to expalin. "It's about a black guy who crashes his car, sleeps with prostitues, and attacks people with a golf club." She came back with Tiger

   Beyonce has more African American people in her belly than Trump has in his cabinet.

   Hey People lets not forget about William and Kate!

   If Facebook ever shuts down. You'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'

   Usually when a President has a highway named after him he is already dead. I guess the people of Orlando have ESP?

   At 2AM tonight it's Daylight Savings or "Drunk Dial Everyone You Know" night as my party buddies like to call it.

   Ever notice the car dealerships commercials with hundreds of people running there to buy there cars...lol that never happens theres no one there..dah.!

   Florida officials are telling people to stop shooting their guns at hurricane irma, and it would not make the hurricane go back. How did humanity become this dumb?

   To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h

   I love those people who can make me laugh during those moments when I feel like I can’t even smile.

   I wish I carried myself with the smug, all-knowing arrogance as people who've read all the Game of Thrones books.

   15 km run 50 laps of the pool yoga on the beach fresh fruit salad all before 6:30am is what fit healthy people like to do Me : I'm just waiting for the all you can eat buffet breakfast to consume copious amounts of bacon.... ** Your body is a temple **

   must be destined to be a nomad... nobody can live with me. i'd rather be a gypsy...then, I could go around making people thinner...or dead.

   “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most

   Crowded elevators smell different to little people

   time for class...today will never be called ValentiMe's day...learn to speak people

   Sitting at home, inhaling large amounts of helium, and calling random phone numbers; seeing people just wanna talk!

   Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   I always wanted to know how long 'forever' was and by looking at some people's relationships, it's around 3 to 4 weeks.

   Huma Abedin - because having to whip out an ID or debit card with "Huma Weiner" on it and expecting people to suppress the involuntary giggles is just too much.