Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   sometimes I wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss!

   looking for a leprechaun. I've already shook down all the midgets and short people I know. Guess it takes a real leprechaun to get to that pot of gold.

   waiting for the global warming people to push for the abolishment of the two utensil system by legislating the mandantory use of the spork to cut down on green house emmissions...it could happen!

   Plagiarism on FB is getting really bad...I made my status "Going to Work" and within a few minutes, over a 100 people stole it...

   I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it people like me more than you.

   Happy Canada Day! Time to get drunk eh?!?!

   I impress people by referring to my friends or followers as my "entourage" and my status updates as my "portfolio". In return, people refer to me as a "d*ck".

   It's adorable how people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   If you`re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual...

   What happened to all the people who were gonna die in Florida because fans celebrated after the Super Bowl a month ago? Libs know the jig is up on the panicdemic.

   Why do people have Spiders as pets? It's not like tarantulas are cuddly or anything. I refuse to have a “pet” whose secret fantasy is finally being able to wrap me in a cocoon.

   Stalking is when two people go for a romantic walk, but only one of them knows about it.

   There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up... Unbelievable...

   It takes 10 people to change a lightbulb because 9 of us are on Facebook.

   Only in America Media and News is Brainwashing People!! Do not believe what you hear or see.

   Aliens are coming to Earth on Monday to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, but I just wanted to say goodbye.

   Last week my best friend who was Chinese died. I went to China to attend the funeral and pay my respects. When people close to you die, it's weird how you see their face everywhere you look.

   I have a doctor's note to excuse the rotten stench I leave in people's bathrooms.

   I'm not sure which is worse: People who try to force their religion onto you. Or people who insist on telling you about their daily horoscope.

   I've mastered the art of trusting people when they have clearly proven they don't deserve to be trusted