Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   And the Lord said, "I shall take short people and midgets.I shall combine the two. And he created gymnasts and saw that it wasn't so good."

   Never question my career choices more than when I'm on a large conference call with people who don't know when to mute their phone.

   Seven billion other people on the planet. Congrats on yet another day without having your genitals collide with any of em.

   Want to know the secret to happiness? Deactivate your Facebook account like people used to take the phone off the hook.

   People who give you their attention only when they're lonely or bored... No thank you. I already have a cat.

   People who don't have a dog, have to pick the food up them self that they drop on the floor .

   For all you #single people: Time to start thawing the #Thanksgiving hot dogs

   Sex with me was once described as, "Not entirely unpleasant if you're a little drunk and have a pretty good imagination."

   If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

   Can't wait for my favorite holiday on February 15th known to single people as 50% off Valentine's Day Cake and Candy Day!

   I'm a genius when you agree with me. I'm an ass when you disagree with me. I'm inconsistant when you don't understand me. I'm all things to all people.

   Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.

   Assuming intelligence on some people is a big mistake you will regret.

   Social media will make you think certain people are way out of your league, only to find out that they also think you are way out of their league.

   How single people will be celebrating Valentines Day: Sobbing, drinking alone, writing suicidal notes, calling their ex's, resenting happy couples, or enjoying every minute of not having to give a flying f*ck.

   Being a grown-up is stupid....let's build a tree house and throw water balloons at people.

   "Canadians are so polite" - people who have obviously never driven in Canada.

   People ask me why I don't have tattoos.......Well, do you ever see a Ferrari with bumper stickers?

   take me drunk, I'm home!

   I believe in whatever makes me happy without making other people sad. That's my religion.