Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Why does no one ever take pics of their fast food to post on facebook? You want people to see your gourmet feasts, but not when you're woofing down a 20 piece nugget?

   Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?

   Can we name the next hurricane Shaniqua or something? I feel like if we give hurricanes ghetto names, people will be more inclined to get away from them. Hurricane Irene sounds friendly. Hurricane Shaniqua will rip out your weave if you look at it wrong.

   When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.

   Like Buttons: for people too lazy to post a comment.

   Copy and paste this as ur status, send it to 3 people in 10 minutes, absolutely nothing will happen! It works! Ive done it twice and both times nothing happened!

   I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror.

   Dear Facebook: Stop being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.

   Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really did'nt want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.

   I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

   I thought when people lie to me their pants were supposed to catch on fire. Turns out that's a lie also. Trust no one.

   I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.

   Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all  concerned and ask me how I know them.  You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!

   I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.

   Why do people post missing person posts on facebook? Like we're going outside...

   To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.

   People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

   I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files