Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I always keep an emergency $25 gift card in my back pocket for those unexpected gifts that I get from people I wasn't expecting to get a gift from..

   I'd pay someone to push me out of pictures when I'm drunk.

   Cop: Are you drunk? Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this? *stands on one foot* Cop: ok first of all, ow

   I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife's cosmetics to get me in trouble.

   A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine's Day gifts. A good way to tell that you've lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine's Day gift.

   Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending people never ending letters in the mail telling us that.

   I love reading books that are based on real events but spiced up with a little fiction to keep your interest, kinda like people's Facebook posts.

   ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES:

   *adds 50lb of bird seed to cart* Acme online: people who buy this also buy - bird-feeder - giant mouse trap - jet-propelled pogo stick - painting fake tunnels for dummies -first aid kit - anvil

   People need to understand the difference between want & need. Like I want to have hot body but I need chicken nuggets.

   I hate when people say that ... "life is short" ..... . What the heck??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! ..... What can you do that's longer?

   OK... I think it's time for 2016 to die before any more good people do....

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y

   If anyone goes to a house without a dog or WiFi, should you wonder how many people are buried in their yard?

   Do most people on Twitter use their real pictures?!?! Heck, I'm watching a cabbage argue about atheism with a cat.

   The homeless shelter is a great place to meet people with a degree in "Street Smart".

   They need to bring back beatings in schools because I know a few people who need to go back and learn a lesson the hard way.

   If you write a bunch of tweets about the farmers market from your couch on Sunday morning you can trick people into thinking you do stuff.

   Love to collect call people randomly, just to remind them that that is somehow still a thing.

   Some people are only lovable online and should never be met in real life.