Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I hear the Christmas song about "nuts roasting on an open fire" I cringed. My wife plays that song over and over when she's mad at me..... even if it's in July

   Well if you didn't want alcohol at your one year sobriety party...shouldn't have invited me!

   Well the NFC East Division Champ will be decided next week when the Cowboys host the Eagles. This just in, Tony Romo already threw an interception!

   I'm fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.

   You call it “binge drinking” I call it “making up for lost time when I could have been drinking” drinking.

   No its not a nightmare. You are just married.

   lol no thanks,,, my tires rotate themselves every day

   iOS 8.0.1 is designed to get people to stop calling their friends to brag about owning the new iPhone.

   Be the reason someone sighs today.

   If it requires pants, its not happening today.

   What if nobody was president and we all promised real hard to just be cool

   I'd give five bucks to hear First lady Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel".

   I'm trying to figure out if those anti Trump Safety Pin wearing folks are also NRA advocates since Walter Hunt the inventor of the Safety Pin also invented the Multi Shot Repeating Rifle.

   I had so much Chinese food for breakfast I can barely wok

   A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

   "Use the forceps, Luke!" -Obi Gyn Kenobi

   Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.

   Thought for the day: The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the axe because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.

   My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after the meal.

   The six flags rollercoaster that people got stuck on.... Obamas fault.