Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Slowly step away from the bacon and no one gets hurt...

   The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.

   According to a recent study, cockroaches can resist radiation, extreme temperatures, the apocalypse and 6 hours of Justin Bieber songs.

   Christmas Schmistmas....March features the greatest holiday of the year. Any festivity that centers itself around getting drunk on beer, and stuffed on a big hunk of beef soaked in brine wins my vote.

   Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.

   Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.

   If that guy loved his horse so much, why'd he sell it to a beer company in the first place?

   Why deny yourself a pleasure now for the hope of adding a few miserable nursing home days at the end?

   Due to recent developments in the love market, my emotional trust funds are temporarily frozen.

   Hmmm,,,,,,, I think this coffee is broken

   Any time I wonder if God exists, I think of women & I know he does. Coincidentally, this is also what I do when I wonder if the devil exists

   Being gay, is never having to say I'm sorry... I got you pregnant.

   Morning wood should be renamed to "Try not to pee on the ceiling."

   I don't care how hot you think you are, you aren't better than cheesecake. NOTHING is better than Cheesecake.

   A person who really appreciates you will always walk with you

   You Know, I'll never be an Olympic athlete but I did participate in a Toyotathon once...

   You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower

   Listen I'm not an alcoholic, they go to meetings...I'm a drunk we go to parties!

   I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!

   Him to friends: I banged her like a porn star, she probably won't walk for a week. Her: I'm not even sure he was in me the entire time