Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he's good at everything.

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

   African mother to her child: "You better be happy you're that skinny, there's fat kids in America that wish they were as skinny as you!"

   That spicy tuna roll I ate last night gave me HOTHOLE

   "The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings shall rule it by fictitious miracles."

   on a scale of 1 to justin bieber , how gay are you?

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza, and then insist that he called me.

   I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.

   I love you like white folks love their pet dogs.

   I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"

   What's the difference between "no!, no!, not my ass!" and "mmm, mmm,mmm, mmm, mm"? Duct tape.

   Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Juliette Oscar Echo Bravo India Delta Echo November.

   You win some, you loose some, but it's all good if you get some :)

   If you can say "I can't breathe", then technically, you can breathe. Cops know not to fall for that trick.

   If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

   "On a scale of 1-100 how immature are you?" "69"

   this cop pulled me over then asked me why I was speeding, I told him I was rushing to the policemen's ball. He looked at me and told me "policemen don't have balls" he smiled and let me go

   Not all women are crazy. Some are dead.

   This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FriSatSun.