Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Harry Potter and the Soul Crushing Responsibility of Adulthood.

   Does anyone know the recipe for 'I DON'T KNOW' because everybody in the house keeps telling me that when I ask them what they all want for dinner.....

   I don't want your girlfriend. No one wants your girlfriend... Thats why she's with you!

   By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.

   You needn't love your enemy, but if you refrain from telling lies about him, you are doing well enough.

   Putting your finger against someone's lips and saying "Shhhh.... Not another word." is super romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

   If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then of course,, you're a witch.

   Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

   how mad will you be when you find out all the herbs and spices in kfc is just salt

   Beep...Beep...Beep....Would it be too much to ask for a smoke alarm to warn me of a low battery when the sun is actually up?! Beep...Beep...Beep....

   ..i thought it was sweet of my boss to gather us all together and warn us of the massive amounts of snow expected overnight and to drive carefully... then also warn us to "show up to work tomorrow or else". Aww they really DO care!

   People say I have an attitude problem. I disagree. It's my attitude, but it's their problem!!!

   My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.

   "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn" - my dinner.

   thinks the new myspace sucks... then again, so does the old one... way to be consistent myspace

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   would explain my awesomeness to you, but your brain would just explode...

   Conserve water on earth day, drink more beer....

   Roethlisberger has been suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican

   If i'm ever sleeping and a bunch of Zs start coming out of my head, please call a doctor.