Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Arguing with a woman is like bringing a knife to a gun fight, then repeatedly stabbing yourself with it.

   People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.

   its time to call clowns what they really are- smiling murderers

   Marriage... a relationship between a person who's always right and her husband.

   Nothing says "I'm carrying $3 and a Guitar Center receipt" like a wallet chain.

   My girlfriend answered my booty call last night. God knows what she was doing with her sister's phone.

   I just took a crap in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me.

   already gave my sub to Sally. Now get lost you manipulating b***h!

   We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

   Well it is a new year, a time to start fresh, a time to move foward and learn from the past, a time to begin what was never started, and finish what was put off. It is going to be a good year, I know it, I can feel it and I am going to make it happen.

   it just me or does it look like the Carnival cruise ship is leaving a skid mark across Mobile Bay?

   I just saw the Easter Bunny buying Easter Grass and Rolling Papers at the corner store.

   Getting drunk and waking up in strange places is the only kind of vacation I can afford.

   I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground

   guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people

   A tongue has no bones but it’s really strong enough to break a heart.

   I’ll smash a jar on the floor before I’ll let a girl open a jar for me.

   Pretty soon, evolution will kick in and women will be born without a gag reflex.

   I dont know what it means, but this cougar just said she wants to hug my face with her thighs.

   "I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault." ~ girls