Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Confucius say: Woman who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

   Don't worry about the bullet that has your name on it. Worry about the one that says "To Whom it May Concern."

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting

   Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.

   If your face doesn't look like a glazed donut ..your doing it wrong.

   Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.

   The difference between love and lust is one letter: hotel vs. motel

   FYI: A ton of people is only like ten or fifteen people.... or 5 Wal-mart customers

   Take it easy this Black Friday, (try not to trample anyone to death) because it isn't supposed to look like a riot you idiots... Shop online like a real modern American!

   I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper at the Dollar Store.

   True story: one time I said "excuse me" to my own reflection into a glass door headed back into the bar

   Crap. Got another Canadian quarter in change. But I’m a clever one; now it’s the Salvation Army’s problem.

   That awkard moment when you wake up your boyfriend in middle of night to say "stop snoring!!!" and you realize that it's the dog and not him.

   i hope you're happy people..y'all jus sued your way into no cracker jack toy.. if your kid choked thats called natural selection, not have a retard an be a millionairre

   Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!

   Ever think "Serial Killers Coming" when you're getting into your car and you drop your car keys?

   Crying is not necessarily a sign of weak character. Sometimes it is a sign of strong onions.

   Can't wait for the Super Moon tonight, I wonder what color it's cape is?

   I believe in Karma, Mainly because I can do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .

   Dear Women of Online Dating Sites: You're unique and down to Earth.....just like everybody else.