Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter's date. ..then I told him it's much faster after 11pm

   I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.

   Interview Tip: wear your tie around your head like rambo so they know you're serious about business

   I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   So...how does this Bernie Sanders redistribution work? If I have $10 and my friend has $20, he has to give me $5, right??

   K-mart is starting their Halloween sale. They have a lovely selection of Christmas trees.

   throwing dollars at over weight strippers is my version of cow tipping

   Wondering, Don't you idiot Desert Dwellers realize Americans are watching Football today and could give a $hit less about your protest.. @wasteofenergy

   So I just saw a church sign that said "Why pay for GPS, Jesus gives guidance for free." Do you think Best Buy would match that?

   If I eat a Chick-fil-a sandwich it doesn't mean I hate gays. If I eat a Jimmy Johns sandwich it doesn't mean I support the killing of exotic animals. All it means is I really like sandwiches.

   AWE YEAH,,, I just washed my dog with Axe body wash... He's gonna to get ALL DA B!TCHES

   Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.

   I blame everyone for my problems. Except Shaggy, Because we all know it wasn't him.

   You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

   I saw 2 flies screwing today..and I swatted them and said "If I can't, you can't either.

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

   beating your meat as a teenager just prepares you for marriage...

   WHY do men cheat? Seriously... One woman is expensive enough!

   I find it very funny that all the women who say Trump is a sexist pig are saying farewell to Hugh Hefner who did nothing but exploit women all his life....

   Instructions on how to keep an idiot busy: Read instructions again.