Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attention all joined-at-the-hip couples: "Inseparable" and "Insufferable" sound alike for a reason.

   If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it like I told you to do it in the first place!

   "Push for Power" at the Indy 500? Sounds like Mario Kart on the Wii. How long before Helio throws a little red turtle from his car to wipe out the guy in front of him?

   It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished... or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.

   please don't follow in my footsteps coz I walk into walls

   Saying that athiests can't say "OMG" because they're godless is like saying theists can't say "common sense" because they lack it.

   discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

   Boob is the perfect word cux it shows you what it means. Top view -> B ... Front view -> oo ... Side view -> b.

   Why does Stevie Wonder love seeded hamburger rolls? Because of the jokes written on top.

   Breaking News: Tiger Woods withdraws from the masters after the first hole. At a news conference he claims he dropped out because he's a one hole man now......

   I met a Spanish man with a Rubber toe......his name was Roberto

   thinks the only thing worse than having to listen to Donald Trump is having to admit he's right! RIP Kate Steinle

   Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and now Amy Winehouse, all died at 27. So only 10 more years of Justin Bieber

   Law of Reverse Dynamics: When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty When a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich.

   I'm seriously as bored as a vegetarian gay guy at hooters!

   DIET= Do I Eat That...

   I hate married people who act single.

   Sometimes my LOL just means, Lack-Of-Laughter

   Lefties eat yellow snow on Winter Solstice.

   I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn't come.