Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vuvuzelas are high-pitched, annoying and everywhere: the Justin Bieber of sports.

   tired of reading statuses about octopus Paul. Bake him already!

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   I'm in line at "the dollar tree" and a woman grabs a pregnancy test from the "impulse buy" section at the register. Who see's this in line, and thinks..."hey, I could use this for a buck" Your thoughts? Concerns?

   Don't wear memorable shoes when you're going to take a dump in the grocery store bathroom.

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   to get what we've never had, we must do what we've never done!

   I'm already a fan of good times, beer, and women..Why would I want to become a fan of anything else?!

   "the always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver?" Bob Costas, you have crossed the threshold of being completely insufferable.

   thinks whoever invented new year resolutions would have sworn every year that he wished he hadn't...

   I wonder if Santa's "list" goes from 12/25-12/25, or does the new list start on January 1st? I think we have a few days to be bad that aren't on record...

   planning to suprise the IRS next year by filing his 2010 Tax Return by sending a singing telegram.

   The pills I take to prevent hangovers never work, because they lure me into a false sense of security and I end up drinking more than modern science can handle.

   My train of thought is derailed.

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.

   to all the grandparents that told your kids I hope your kids are as bad as you... well played!

   I know you people can't think everyone that messages you is a bouquet of roses. C'mon...tell people what you REALLY think of them. THAT would be more interesting to read!

   Mythbuster: Homophones were not invented by Alexander Graham Bell's flowery nephew.

   life is short. have a ball, better yet have two

   Never believe anything until it has been officially denied