Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Soft p0rn didn't die. It just mutated into pop music videos.

   You know that you work too much when you count hours off and not days off.

   never sleeps next to anything that he wouldn't want to wake up next to.

   Every exit is an emergency exit when you're on LSD.

   I just checked my credit score. Damn it!!! They won.

   I can honestly say my biggest accomplishment today was making it all the way home and still having half the fries left in my McDonalds bag

   I just got mood poisoning from work

   I passed my drug test with FLYING COLORS!!! the LSD section anyways...

   Dear Kids, go to College…it’s the only time it’s acceptable to be drunk and poor.

   You without me is like a Tim Burton movie without Johnny Depp.

   How the Syfy channel comes up with movie ideas: 1. Think of an animal or insect. 2. Make it 50 ft tall. 3. Eat a burrito.

   I've had six husbands. Seven if I count my own.

   I watch p orn for the interior design ideas!

   If losing me wrecked your life, you seem to have forgotten what having you did to mine...

   Recipes are stupid. What the hell is 2 parts of water?

   Picking up women at Jenny Craig meetings can be easy and rewarding but you must carefully weigh your options.

   I'm feeling good, I guess that's because I haven't seen anybody today.

   Look, all I'm saying is, bears spend half of the year eating and the other half sleeping and they're doing alright.

   If she's easy to be around, you have been friend zoned...

   We have a good thing going here. Let's not ruin it by "talking."