Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new year's resolution is to make better bad decisions.

   Teacher: 'David, if you have 5 sweets, and Paco asks you for 1 sweet, how many sweets do you have left??' David: '5'

   Those who say they "I slept like a baby" obviously have never had one.

   To you it's copyright infringement, to me it's a remix.

   My 2 year old is going through a phase where she screams out what she is about to do before she does it. I had to explain to her that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that. :)

   Tracy Morgan collapsed at Sundance and is blaming the altitude. I agree. He was way too high.

   We never had an on-and-off relationship before getting married. Ours was more of an in-and-out-and-in-out thing. People should try that!

   If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.

   I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance.

   Damn.. who isn't pregnant...?

   If there wasn't such thing as a last minute I'd never get anything done.

   Some girls should NOT be allowed to post on facebook during their bye week.

   KIM KARDASHIAN - The only thing she'd be happy marrying is a mirror - but even then she might be jealous.

   How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed, like, 15 zombies already! How come they are all holding candy?

   An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 201,000 miles. Scientists have named it "Fernando Torres."

   If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it.

   My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together

   I'm currently seeking a corporate sponsor for my retirement.

   If self control is not eating a piece of bacon while cooking bacon, then I don't have any.

   Women are addicting