Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ~ Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin, it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.~

   The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids...

   I never knew how corny some of my friends were before I added them on Facebook.

   Doesn't matter how you find the gold, as long as you beat the leprechaun to it

   wonders if women are from venus, and men are from mars... where are transvestites from?

   Paris Hilton thanks fans for their support following cocaine arrest. In other breaking news: Paris Hilton has fans?!

   just found out that the next Hannah Montana will be played by Justin Bieber!

   Sometimes life just needs a good, hard CTRL ALT DELETE.

   I never read and will never read your 55 page terms of use. I will always agree, so stop asking me to confirm that I read it.

   It takes a special kind of crazy to marry a divorce lawyer.

   ....so next time your in Home Depot or Menards buying somthing BIG... like a couple sheets of plywood or something....with a straight face.... ask them if you can get some help putting the items in your Smartcar...the look is priceless

   transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. They're on me. Enjoy!

   says "If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie."

   Breaking news: Trump to appoint dingo to watch baby.

   The Media is now reporting that Christmas is actually a Russian plot hatched by Putin & Trump to lure people into a false sense of Joy. They are urging that we reject any feelings of joy and focus on being angry at the 2016 Election results.

   For those celebrating Woman's Day... A 'man' won women of the year last year...just sayin..

   Respect must be earned, even when you are a fat, rich white guy with an important job.

   NEW: McCain reacts to Trump’s threat to “fight back and it won’t be pretty.” McCain: “I have faced tougher adversaries.

   WhitePeopleGoogleSearches How do I find my stolen iPhone BlackPeopleGoogleSearches How do I unlock the iPhone I just found..

   And there are some that say I don't need an AR-15 and 30 round mags. Yeah right....